We considered posting a list of pet safety tips for the holiday, but, after a few Google searches, we realized the Internet is inundated with them. Instead, we decided to share a single, cautionary pet tale from Florida humorist Dave Barry’s book, Dave Barry Talks Back. We take no responsibility for spoiling dinner, if you read this beforehand and worry has you constantly excusing yourself from the meal to check on the dog’s whereabouts.
As the story goes:
[Mike and Sandy’s dog] Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch.
So anyway, Mike and Sandy had two visitors who wore expensive, brand-new down-filled parkas, which somehow got left for several hours in a closed room with Mousse. When the door was finally opened, the visibility in the room had been drastically reduced by a raging down storm, at the center of which was a large quivering down clot, looking like a huge mutant duckling, except that it had Mousse’s radiantly happy eyes.
For several moments Mike and Sandy and their guests stared at this apparition, then Mike, a big, strong, highly authoritative guy, strode angrily into the room and slammed the door. He was in there for several minutes, then emerged, looking very serious. The down clot stood behind him, wagging its tail cheerfully.
“I talked to Mousse,” Mike said, “and he says he didn’t do it.”
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